Is there a such thing as the "perfect match"? To be honest I have no idea! However, I do have an opinion on the subject!! I think we are all created unique and individually. There are no two people on earth who think alike about everything, like all the same foods, activities, cars, design, etc. But I think we all know when we are talking about the "perfect match" we are talking about a man and women being together for a long long time or "until death do us part". When you look at it like that I have to say there are plenty of examples that suggest that yes the perfect match does still exist. My parents are on of the first examples that come to mind. they have been married for over 37 years and although no one believes me, both my sister and I will go to our graves knowing that they have NEVER argued and raised their voices at each other throughout their whole marriage. My father has told me on several occasions (more since I'm older and have experienced some bad and sometimes just ridiculous relationships) that when he first started dating my mom and even once they got married he told her that if they had to argue, fuss, or fight to be together then she didn't have to worry about a thing because he would pack up his stuff and leave. They are still together, without a cross word or argument!
I'm not trying to get people to believe that they agree on everything and never have disagreements because they do, they just love and respect each other in a way that allows them to talk about it and discuss things without "going off". Sometimes they reach a mutual agreement and other times they just agree to disagree. But it never gets ugly or to the point of hurtful words or hurt feelings. That is the best example of love and friendship I have ever had in my own life to witness and learn from. So in order for me to answer the question: is there a such thing as the "perfect match", I would have to say yes and no. Is there a man and woman walking the earth today that are the same in what they like, believe, and do? No there is not. There are actually people together who are dating or even married that probably should have never took their relationship that far to begin with. I feel pretty confident these people will get to that point sooner or later and that is sad especially if they are married. but that is why, in my opinion, a good relationship is hard to find. I know people everywhere say that relationships, especially marriage, is hard work. And I agree with that for the most part. Yes, life throws us curves and challenges here and there, and sometimes situations are hard to deal with. A death in the family, unexpected accident, sudden loss of job, etc. these are all parts of life that are hard and hard on a marriage. However, I don't believe the statement "marriage/relationships are hard work" necessarily has to mean that the relationship between the two involved is hard to keep good or happy; especially if the two people have a very good understanding of each other and how each other deals with life's surprises.
I hate when I ask someone how things are going and they start talking about how them and their girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife can't get along. I usually ask what they are doing to do and 95% usually say something like; "Well, I love him/her and we're going to make it work". Unfortunately that often means that one is going to try while the other doesn't think or is even aware that he/she is doing anything wrong. And sometimes it means they both think they are right so they just wait around for the other to "come to their senses"; all the while both people are doing nothing but getting frustrated and more miserable around each other. this ultimately leads to an increase in arguing and more frustration until is finally blows up into a bigger worse situation than there ever should have been. I know how hard it is to walk away from something you know is not going to anywhere or going backwards or even is just not a good situation. I know what its like to hang on and hope things will get better and work themselves out; but the simple truth is somethings just aren't supposed to get better or work out because they were wrong from the start. And no matter how bad two people want to be together if only one person is willing to change then it will not work. Oddly enough, if its not meant to be or was wrong from the start then I have bad news; it won't matter how bad you want it or how hard you both work on it you won't find satisfaction with that person because it wasn't meant to be. It's like taking a friendship to the next level or dating relationship to the next level too soon or simply for the wrong reasons. The end result is hurt feelings and discontent towards the other person which leaves you with nothing, not even a friend. This is what happens when people try to make something out of nothing and by the time they realize they tried to force something or whatever it is too late and they are headed for disaster.
Once again, these are just opinions and in no way do I think that I am 100% right about them, they are just 100% the way I think and how I think about certain situations. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts.......... I welcome any comments as usual!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Ever wonder about these things????
I don't know of anyone that actually wants to go through life alone. We see some people who we judge sometimes and say they are "destined" to be alone; and others we see we're left wondering how they are still single or why. Of course, like anyone else I have my theories and opinions, but I am not in the mood to go into those right now! Once thing I do have a strong opinion of is the fact that it is hard to find someone in life who understands what it means to be in a relationship or marriage now days. People seem to only care about their own wants and needs. Its almost like they go through their dating life looking for someone who caters to their every desire and can actually give them things they want and always do the things they want to do. And as long as that continues and they are happy then they think everything is fine and they are in a wonderful "healthy" relationship; all the while never thinking or caring if the other person is happy or just getting wore out and broke and brokenhearted in the process.
To me, it seems like now, people (both men and women) go out and look for someone for all the wrong reasons. Of course they look for someone they are very attracted to (which is definitely important) but the outer attraction seems to be the only real "quality" they want. Forget their life goals, morals, beliefs, values, etc.; just give them someone with looks their friends will be jealous of and someone who will do it all for their needs, wants, and never expect the other to really need their wants and needs met. As long as one person in the relationship is happy and satisfied it is deemed a "great relationship" by that person and most likely that is the person who always talks/brags about how wonderful the other person is and how "in love" they are with them. Wrong!! They are in love with how they are the only ones being taken care of on every level and how they don't have to do anything for it or reciprocate it in any way to the person they claim to be "so in love" with.
Of course some people, including myself, say things like "well if the one person is more or less being 'used' then why don't they call it quits and find someone who won't take them for granted"? The answer to that question seems so easy and obvious, and it was when I was younger (even though I am only 29 now!!). Unfortunately, I am starting to realize that I too may be in one of these situations that I am talking about right now. Here is some history on the type of person I am and the type of people I believe usually end up in these situations. First, I have never ended a relationship in my entire adult dating/married life. I have always been the type to date only one person at a time to see what comes of it whether it be a good friendship or something more. Usually when it turns into something more I am happy and grateful because I have goals for my personal life which used to include a loving wife, nice home, the whole nine yards; now, I'm starting to change my mind a little about that even. I would not go as far to say that I have a low self esteem, but I don't really have an opinion about myself either. I am what I am take it or leave it. However even when things start going downhill in a relationship I do what just about anyone else does, I try to fix it and make it work. Even when it is clear that we aren't meant to be together in that way. I do this because I never go around thinking I'm every woman's dream and of course I am not very good at meeting women to start with. That, mixed with the fear of being alone and every other excuse anyone has ever used or heard!
Another "problem" I have is (from what I have been told) I have a huge heart. That is a two-fold problem. On one side you usually fall hard, and on the other you stay in a bad situation a lot longer than you should because once again you are thinking of someones' feelings other than your own and your happiness. This is the curse of the big at heart person. But there is somewhat of a cure! The "cure" to this "disease" is relatively simple. You get hurt bad enough or enough times and your heart starts to shrink a little each time. As for me, I think I got too serious about long-term relationships at too young of an age. Between that, getting hurt, and having my mindset where it is today at the age of 29; I finally think that I'm realizing just how much I put my own personal and emotional needs on the back burner. In fact, I think about it now and it almost seems like with every decision I have made in my adult life I have always seemed to put myself and my wants, needs, and happiness on the back burner. Yes, the more I think about the major life decisions I have been faced with, the more I realize my mindset always mulling over my options wondering what others might choose or what someone else is going to say or think about my choice, and how is my decision going to affect this person or that person. Why in the world would someone get so lost in those concerns (not to say that some of those aren't relevant or important) that they totally forget to think about what would make them happy and what direction they want their lives to go in?
I also think that a big portion of these situations come from the lack of acknowledgment of what marriage is and what it stands for. It is suppose to be for life. It's suppose to be two people who love each other taking care of each other and always keeping the goals, wants, and needs of that person in mind, knowing and trusting that the other person is doing the same for them. The main thing is making sure you really know that person, your goals in life together are on the same page and you both are at the level together where you don't need to keep your own wants, needs, and happiness in mind because your significant other is doing that for you. I am not saying I'm right, I'm just saying this is right for me and how I think about things. And in order to be truly happy I will need someone in my life who has/shares those same views.
Its easy to sit and think of your own personal life and where you want it to go. It is very different when you add someone to your life. I think people (including myself) get caught up in dating someone and seeing where the next fun adventure will come from that they really allow too much time to pass before trying to figure out the important stuff. Some things can only stay hidden for so long before they come into the light. Things like stability, finances, maturity, beliefs, morals, character, etc. Others are harder to get to unless they are just brought up and really discussed in depth; not just mentioned and commented on without a really well thought about answer. Things like where to live, what kind of house, kids, how many and how will they be raised if they are desired? These are the types of things that bring up serious issues and takes more than just spending time together avoiding conversations about them hoping you can just let the issue "work itself out". I don't know of anyone or any instance where I had and issue or problem and ignoring it made it go away or work itself out without some form of action on my part.
Finding someone that still values the sanctity of marriage is hard enough. But take time to consider where we are versus fifty years ago. No one believes in hard work anymore and marriage is hard work. No one saves money or works towards having anything anymore; they have no patience and usually try to get it all now and struggle to pay for it later. And let's face it, money truly is the root of all evil/problems!! It is probably the most argued about topic in marriage. Trying to "keep up with the Jones'" is the way people live now days and its a good way to ensure you are more stressed and less happy than the Jones' as well.
In no way am I putting this off on women or men. I think this is something each side of the spectrum is guilty of. We have become a selfish materialistic version of what our society used to be. Now days whatever is portrayed in Hollywood or on TV is the way we want our lives to be. No one wants to think for themselves anymore and everyone wants everything handed to them because they take it for granted and think they deserve it instead of actually working for it. The same goes for marriage, if it ever stops being 'perfect' they just write it off and move on to the next. By perfect, of course, I mean when one person stops getting everything he/she wants all the time and everything stops going exactly how they think it should. And of course that is life, but in today's environment you have to point the finger at someone when this happens even if no one is to blame and that finger is usually pointed at the other person. Things like "she didn't let me get a new motorcycle". Well, ask yourself this: can you afford it? Do you have a house? Is their anything else the two of you might actually need first before the want for "toys" comes into the picture? Or I have heard something like this as well: I can't believe he doesn't want to buy a house right now". Ask yourself this: are you getting mad because his idea that you can't afford or are not ready for a house right now might be right? Or are you mad because he won't go along with something that is your idea? Or do you think he doesn't want to do it because he wasn't the first to come up with the idea? Or that the house you want doesn't really suit the type of house or location he might want to live?
The fact is, all those reasons might apply, then again only a few might. Either way, do you really want to go into something as big as that and not both be completely satisfied and on the same page? Or would you rather get what you want knowing your partner isn't happy? These are some of the issues that i have faced and am facing right now. Others I have seen and heard from friends and co-workers about how they went through and tried to handle these issues. I find it amazing that no matter if I'm thinking about it , talking about it, or listening to someone else talk about it; I always hear the same statement: "This could have all been avoided if...." Things like "if I had stayed with him/her longer, if I had only left sooner, if I had saved more money, if I had put more money into it to start with, if I had compromised more, if I had given up less" etc. No matter what the situation you can almost always bet you can find a "this could have all been avoided it..." statement in there somewhere.
Well I hope you have enjoyed this long drawn out blog on random thoughts on relationships, marriage, and issues. Thank you for taking the time to stop by and allow me to share them with you. Until next time..........
To me, it seems like now, people (both men and women) go out and look for someone for all the wrong reasons. Of course they look for someone they are very attracted to (which is definitely important) but the outer attraction seems to be the only real "quality" they want. Forget their life goals, morals, beliefs, values, etc.; just give them someone with looks their friends will be jealous of and someone who will do it all for their needs, wants, and never expect the other to really need their wants and needs met. As long as one person in the relationship is happy and satisfied it is deemed a "great relationship" by that person and most likely that is the person who always talks/brags about how wonderful the other person is and how "in love" they are with them. Wrong!! They are in love with how they are the only ones being taken care of on every level and how they don't have to do anything for it or reciprocate it in any way to the person they claim to be "so in love" with.
Of course some people, including myself, say things like "well if the one person is more or less being 'used' then why don't they call it quits and find someone who won't take them for granted"? The answer to that question seems so easy and obvious, and it was when I was younger (even though I am only 29 now!!). Unfortunately, I am starting to realize that I too may be in one of these situations that I am talking about right now. Here is some history on the type of person I am and the type of people I believe usually end up in these situations. First, I have never ended a relationship in my entire adult dating/married life. I have always been the type to date only one person at a time to see what comes of it whether it be a good friendship or something more. Usually when it turns into something more I am happy and grateful because I have goals for my personal life which used to include a loving wife, nice home, the whole nine yards; now, I'm starting to change my mind a little about that even. I would not go as far to say that I have a low self esteem, but I don't really have an opinion about myself either. I am what I am take it or leave it. However even when things start going downhill in a relationship I do what just about anyone else does, I try to fix it and make it work. Even when it is clear that we aren't meant to be together in that way. I do this because I never go around thinking I'm every woman's dream and of course I am not very good at meeting women to start with. That, mixed with the fear of being alone and every other excuse anyone has ever used or heard!
Another "problem" I have is (from what I have been told) I have a huge heart. That is a two-fold problem. On one side you usually fall hard, and on the other you stay in a bad situation a lot longer than you should because once again you are thinking of someones' feelings other than your own and your happiness. This is the curse of the big at heart person. But there is somewhat of a cure! The "cure" to this "disease" is relatively simple. You get hurt bad enough or enough times and your heart starts to shrink a little each time. As for me, I think I got too serious about long-term relationships at too young of an age. Between that, getting hurt, and having my mindset where it is today at the age of 29; I finally think that I'm realizing just how much I put my own personal and emotional needs on the back burner. In fact, I think about it now and it almost seems like with every decision I have made in my adult life I have always seemed to put myself and my wants, needs, and happiness on the back burner. Yes, the more I think about the major life decisions I have been faced with, the more I realize my mindset always mulling over my options wondering what others might choose or what someone else is going to say or think about my choice, and how is my decision going to affect this person or that person. Why in the world would someone get so lost in those concerns (not to say that some of those aren't relevant or important) that they totally forget to think about what would make them happy and what direction they want their lives to go in?
I also think that a big portion of these situations come from the lack of acknowledgment of what marriage is and what it stands for. It is suppose to be for life. It's suppose to be two people who love each other taking care of each other and always keeping the goals, wants, and needs of that person in mind, knowing and trusting that the other person is doing the same for them. The main thing is making sure you really know that person, your goals in life together are on the same page and you both are at the level together where you don't need to keep your own wants, needs, and happiness in mind because your significant other is doing that for you. I am not saying I'm right, I'm just saying this is right for me and how I think about things. And in order to be truly happy I will need someone in my life who has/shares those same views.
Its easy to sit and think of your own personal life and where you want it to go. It is very different when you add someone to your life. I think people (including myself) get caught up in dating someone and seeing where the next fun adventure will come from that they really allow too much time to pass before trying to figure out the important stuff. Some things can only stay hidden for so long before they come into the light. Things like stability, finances, maturity, beliefs, morals, character, etc. Others are harder to get to unless they are just brought up and really discussed in depth; not just mentioned and commented on without a really well thought about answer. Things like where to live, what kind of house, kids, how many and how will they be raised if they are desired? These are the types of things that bring up serious issues and takes more than just spending time together avoiding conversations about them hoping you can just let the issue "work itself out". I don't know of anyone or any instance where I had and issue or problem and ignoring it made it go away or work itself out without some form of action on my part.
Finding someone that still values the sanctity of marriage is hard enough. But take time to consider where we are versus fifty years ago. No one believes in hard work anymore and marriage is hard work. No one saves money or works towards having anything anymore; they have no patience and usually try to get it all now and struggle to pay for it later. And let's face it, money truly is the root of all evil/problems!! It is probably the most argued about topic in marriage. Trying to "keep up with the Jones'" is the way people live now days and its a good way to ensure you are more stressed and less happy than the Jones' as well.
In no way am I putting this off on women or men. I think this is something each side of the spectrum is guilty of. We have become a selfish materialistic version of what our society used to be. Now days whatever is portrayed in Hollywood or on TV is the way we want our lives to be. No one wants to think for themselves anymore and everyone wants everything handed to them because they take it for granted and think they deserve it instead of actually working for it. The same goes for marriage, if it ever stops being 'perfect' they just write it off and move on to the next. By perfect, of course, I mean when one person stops getting everything he/she wants all the time and everything stops going exactly how they think it should. And of course that is life, but in today's environment you have to point the finger at someone when this happens even if no one is to blame and that finger is usually pointed at the other person. Things like "she didn't let me get a new motorcycle". Well, ask yourself this: can you afford it? Do you have a house? Is their anything else the two of you might actually need first before the want for "toys" comes into the picture? Or I have heard something like this as well: I can't believe he doesn't want to buy a house right now". Ask yourself this: are you getting mad because his idea that you can't afford or are not ready for a house right now might be right? Or are you mad because he won't go along with something that is your idea? Or do you think he doesn't want to do it because he wasn't the first to come up with the idea? Or that the house you want doesn't really suit the type of house or location he might want to live?
The fact is, all those reasons might apply, then again only a few might. Either way, do you really want to go into something as big as that and not both be completely satisfied and on the same page? Or would you rather get what you want knowing your partner isn't happy? These are some of the issues that i have faced and am facing right now. Others I have seen and heard from friends and co-workers about how they went through and tried to handle these issues. I find it amazing that no matter if I'm thinking about it , talking about it, or listening to someone else talk about it; I always hear the same statement: "This could have all been avoided if...." Things like "if I had stayed with him/her longer, if I had only left sooner, if I had saved more money, if I had put more money into it to start with, if I had compromised more, if I had given up less" etc. No matter what the situation you can almost always bet you can find a "this could have all been avoided it..." statement in there somewhere.
Well I hope you have enjoyed this long drawn out blog on random thoughts on relationships, marriage, and issues. Thank you for taking the time to stop by and allow me to share them with you. Until next time..........
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